The mountain ain't the only thing that's broke....
I receently, like almost everyone one else with the slightest bit of openmindednes, be it only a crack, went to see Brokeback Mountain. It seems as though I was the only one of these millons of people who didn't think it was bee's kneees. Now, I have to say, it's not entirly the movie's fault. It was overhyped, which pushed my expectations to a point that the movie was unable to fulfill simply due to the intrinsic nature of the short story it was based on. Maybe I shouldn't have read the story before I saw the movie, but after seeing all the raving previews about how this was a "sweeping love story", and "wonderfully romantic" and to give the movie a slogan like "Love is a force of nature", you better deliver. Anyway, I wanted to see what lay at the heart of this movie. So I read the short story by Ann Preloux(sp?). She did a buetiful job in capurting the West, the attitudes, the people , the life. But she certainly didn't write a "sweeping, romantic, love story." And from what i got from the story, she didn't intend to. Because of the setting and the characters, it would have been inpossible to write it what way and still keep it at all realistic. This story is actually included in a anthology of other stories about the West. It was not included in an anthology of short, gay love stories, which should tell you something right there. Then again, most people I talk to didn't even know this was based on a short story. I almost think you have to be from the west to truely understand this story, you have to have known people like Ennis and Jack. And cowboys from texas and farmboys from Indiana or the south don't count. You have to have known true cowboys from the west, to understand what kind of a world they grew up in, to have grown up in that world yourself. Like in the move, when they had to say goodbye at the end of the summer and they wound up in a fight and Ennis punched Jack, that made perfect sense to me. But there were a lot of gasps in the theater. I understood that these characters would be unable to have a romantic goodbye with a kiss. They weren't capable of that kind of expression, especially Ennis. So he did what he knew how to do when he was confused, he fought. Another reaction I found funny was from the friend that I went to see the movie with the couldn't understand why they just rushed into sex. I had to explain that cowboys weren't really into forplay and their forplay had been eating togaether and talking a little and drinking together. Hell, that's actually a lot of forplay for cowboys. And a lot of people were confused as to why they married women and had children. That should make perfect sense to southerners, land of the Married Gay Man. One thing that bothered me about both the story and the movie was Ennis's character. I saw nothing in him that was loveable, let alone anough to make 2 people fall in love with him and for Jack to put up with for 20 years. Maybe he extremly good in bed. I see no other explination. So, in conclusion, I am coming out of my own little closet in a way. I feel like that little old lady in In and Out (a horrible movie, by the way) when she said pretty much the only funny line in the whole thing, "I'm going to say it right out loud where everyone can hear it, I hated the Bridges of Madison County". Well, I'm going to say it out loud too, I Didn't Like Brokeback Mountain. So there.

sleepless
Mood:  incredulous
It's 2:44 in the morning and I am wide awake. At 7:30, I took an Ambien, which is supposedly a powerful sleep aid. I went to bed at 8pm, feel asleep at 8:30 and was side awake by 1:30. A whole 5 hours of sleep. And not good sleep mind you, awake every half an hour sleep. They use this stuff on peopole in psyche wards to knock out people with like, Multiple Personality Disorder. It makes like, 87 personalities, including Satan and a Duck (and I still want to know what memory or emotion that duck was formed to hold)go night night but can't knock out 1 little bitty old me.

The two most worthless words in the English Language
Mood:  don't ask
I hate the words "I'm Sorry" with a passion. I have heard them so maney times in my life that they have lost all meaning. Being told "I'm sorry" pisses me off , unless they are said when they don't really need to be. If it's some small thing like someone accidentally bumping into you or canceling plans because some emergency came up, that's one thing. I don't think the person even really needs to be sorry for those things. But when someone does somethig stupid or cruel that affects you and then they say "I'm sorry" it's makes me want to slap the shit out of them. It's so incredibly asinine. It's like, here I accidentally (or intentionally as the case may be)cut off you leg with a chainsaw, have a band aid. Saying I'm sorry usually does nothing for the person that's been wronged. The person who has done the wrong just says it to make themselves feel better. My response to these bogus I'm sorries has become "Great. Well, you have a conscience that's bothering you. That's great. But what the hell is that supposed to do for me?" And I have said this to people and if they read this, they will know who they are. And usually they only reason these people say that they are sorry is that by that point, I have chewed them a new asshole, which they have deserved, and I get the feeling that they are really not saying "I'm sorry that I did something to hurt you" but really mean "I'm sorry that I was dumb enough to do something to bring your wrath upon myself".

The Last (Christmas) Supper
I realized as I was wrapping someone's Christmas present the other day the this will be my last Christmas as a "Christian". I think it was the angel wrapping paper that did it. Scobby Doo and the Abomidable Snowman aren't really catalysts for epiphanies. Esxept the I have less than sophisticated taste in wrapping paper. Of course for the rest of my life, I will be forced to particiapte in Christmas, since everyone else I know is Christian which is fine since Christmas has lost all of it's intended original meaning and most of it is based on pagan traditions. It feels good to be free of this yoke. For the first time in long time I am at peace with my religiuos beliefs. I fought against it for a while. It started a wisper, then went to a calling. I always wonfered what people meant when they said they feeling a calling to go into the clergy. Now I understand. I calling is a lot like a Howler message from Harry Potter books. The longer you ignore it, the worde it gets. Toward the end, it was a full blown scream and I couldn't ignore it anymore and now that I have excepted it, I am at peace. I had to admit that I was supposed to be Jewish. I've felt this calling for a long time, but it's gotten stronger the older I have gotten. It's not something I chose or decided on. It's simply who I am, like being a woman or short. I'm not sure why I got this calling. My father thinks that his family is Jewish. I'm not sure if I believe anything he says. I came to this on my own. Or rather it came to me. I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or cellular memory, but the fascination has always been there. Recently though, it turned to anger and guilt. I would see people on TV practicing Judaism and get the thought "Hey that's mine! I'm supposed to have that life and it was taken from me". Then I would think, "What the hell was that all about?" I would see a Jewish person and get an exreme sense of guilt becausing seeing them reminded me that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. I knew that the Jews didn't believe that Christ was the Messiah, but other than that, I didn't know what they belived. So I broke down and studied their beliefs and was shocked to find that they were nearly identical to my own. I already was Jewish, I just didn't know it. One of the main thigs I love about Judaism is it's emphasis on constantly questing your beliefs. There's even a term for it in Hebrew that mean" Wrestling with G-D." If you asked to maney questions in Christianity, people get irritated and tell you that you just have to have faith. Christianity encouraged bling faith and belief. My favorite response when I asked questions was"Your supposed to have the faith of a child" Well, kids ask a lot of questions. And I wasn't asking the tough questions such as"What exactly is the Holy Spirit?" I was asking basic questions like"If you never hear about how Jesus can save you, like you live in the middle of the rain forest or something, do you still go to hell?" Because that would seriously suck if you woulnd up in eternal damnation because of the misfortune of geography. I can't remember who it was, maybe my father, who stated that everyone gets a chance to be saved. How does that work. Is some guy in the rain forrest suddenly going to have this epiphy and share it with his fellow jungle inhabitants? Is he going to be like" hey guys. I just realized that the is an omnipotent being that runs the universe and we all all born bad and if we don't believe that this being sent himself sort of in the form of his own son to die for all of our sins, and if we bleive this, we won't go to a firey hell after we die, but up to a nice place to be with omnipotent being" I'm sure that would go over real well with the other jungle folks. Contrary to Christianiy, Judaism belives that we are all born good and bad; that we aren't automatically born bad and in need of saving. They also have several different viewpoints in what happens after you die. Soome believe nothing happens. Some belive you soul goes to a kind of purgatory for a while. Some belive that those who lead rightious lives get a good after life and meet up with their loved one's and that people who live a wicked life are tormented by a hell of their own making, which I have always thought would be muh more effective then the firey pit of hell thing. I'm always cold, so the idea of a lake of fire appeals to me. I was see myself sitting on the shore of the lake of fire, soaking up the heat, dring a Miller Lite from a bottle and thinking" Finally, I'm warm". The best part is that Jews believe that all rightious people, no matter what their religious beliefs are, will have a good after life, unlike the Chritians who believe that you lead a horrible life and as long as you get saved before you die, you go to Heaven. wWat a load of Bullshit. You're telling me that a guy who kills a hundred people can get to Heaven but a good Hindu person or some baby that died before it could be "saved" are going to hell, since they believe that we are all born sinners. I though G-d was about love and justice. I see no love or justice in that.